New Accounting Definitions
Gentlenmen: New accounting definitions in American
business.Please note the following amended accountancy standards
issued by the "ICU812" today.
These will be relevant in most, if not all, of our financial
dealings in the future!! Thank you in advance for adhering to
these new Standards
EBITDA: Earnings because I tricked the damn
auditor.
EBIT: earnings before irregularities and
tampering.
CEO: chief embezzlement officer.
CFO: corporate fraud officer.
COO: chief obfuscation officer
NAV: normal Andersen valuation.
FRS: fantasy reporting standards.
P/E: parole entitlement.
EPS: expected prison sentence.
BULL MARKET: A random market movement causing an
investor to mistake himself for a financial genius.
BEAR MARKET: A 6 month to 5-year period when the
kids get no allowance, the wife gets no jewelry, and the husband
gets no sex.
MOMENTUM INVESTING: The fine art of buying high
and selling low.
VALUE INVESTING: The refined art of buying low
and selling lower.
P/E RATIO: The percentage of excrement in
investors' pants as the market keeps crashing.
BROKER: What my broker has done for me.
"BUY, BUY": A flight attendant's comments as you step
off the plane; which have been construed as market
recommendations for too many of us.
STANDARD & POOR: Your life in a nutshell.
STOCK ANALYST: Idiot who just downgraded your
stock after Toys-R-Us drops from $120/share to $0.25 per damn
share.
STOCK SPLIT: When your ex-spouse and his/her
lawyer split your assets equally between themselves.
FINANCIAL PLANNER: A guy who actually remembers
his wallet when he runs to the 7-11 for toilet paper and
cigarettes.
MARKET CORRECTION: The day after you buy stocks.
CASH FLOW: The movement your money makes as it
disappears down the toilet.
YAHOO: What you yell after selling it to some
poor sucker for $240 per share.
INSTITUTIONAL INVESTOR: Past year's 'investor of
the year' who's now locked up in a nuthouse.
PROFIT: Religious guy who talks to God